high expectations

in between applications and job interviews, it took me this long to write.. anyway, the supposed to be "big" date was not so great after all. More than a week ago, we met for coffee at this hip place at the mall. i was looking for someone who was wearing a blue shirt. i saw someone wearing that color through the glass door. his back was behind me so i couldn't exactly see what he looks like. from his texts, he described himself as tall and lanky, moreno and kind of cute. those were his words.
i took a deep breath and tapped his shoulder. i was going, "hi, im carrie--", he turned around and i stopped in mid-sentence. he was NOT kind of cute... not even close. Ohmigod! Yes, he was tall and lanky but that was it. I quickly regained my composure and sat down opposite him. i wanted the day to end right then.
forgive me for saying this but i was not about to be seen by my EX with this guy. I was thinking more of a boyfriend material type of guy. like my ex.. he doesn't have to be Mr. Universe you know. just someone decent looking.. This guy, Vince, just didn't have that X-factor that i was kind of hoping for. he sounded really nice on the phone and sweet in his texts. Guess i was really disappointed. Vince said he was kind of cute! DUH... so that's what it means when a guy says he's "kinda cute".
out of respect, i went through with the coffee date even a movie afterwards. thank God it was a weekday. Few people were at the mall that day. he kept trying to hold my hand during the movie. i was careful to keep my hands away from him. what made him think that i like him anyway? i will never see him again. damn this friend of a friend who gave this guy my number.

textmate

the past month has been crazy! my friends started to hook me up with available guys they know. they even gave my number to a guy so that we could get to know each other through texting.. i said to myself, why not? after all, i am a free woman. there's no harm with making friends. i should expand my social circle, meet new people, try new things. i wasn't looking for another relationship but i certainly am walking the road to recovery.
sure, i miss him every now and then but there was no more pain. only emptiness. i no longer wanted him back. i was going to be better without him.
this guy, Vince, texted me one night and said that he got my number from one of my friends. they were in a class together. he was kind and sweet in his messages. at least, my phone was no longer silent. we've been texting for 2 weeks now.. we decided to meet in person... today! i wonder what he's like..

getting better

After some meditation this Holy Week, i realized that there was no point in crying over someone who doesn't want me anymore. Sure, I was hurt to the point of desperation but i wasn't about to spend the rest of my life wallowing in misery. There was more to life than this senseless agony.
Heartbreaks can only last as long as we want them to be. I have a choice to end this pain. I have the chance to make myself better and whole again... even without him. I survived most of my years on earth without him by my side. I can make it on my own.
I know it wouldn't be a piece of cake or a walk through a park but I made a promise to myself that never again would I allow anyone to hurt me this much. Why should I go on longing and crying for someone who has fooled me into thinking that I was the ONLY one? Why would I waste my time and effort on something that was a lie from the moment he denied having relations with another?
I was nothing to him now.. Nothing. But he will be SOMETHING in mine. Because he will become my perfect example of someone to be beware of in the future. He has taught me a lot actually. I learned not to give my heart that easily, not to trust someone with your whole heart and soul. Like the sand on the shore, I will wash away all the impurities this experience has brought me and let the waves of the coming tide drift me off to a new horizon.

the revelation: all crap

i knew it. they have been an item at the start of our senior year! how could i have been so blind? they were always working on projects together, all those late nights doing God knows what.. i hate to think about all those times that he lied to me, refusing to go to gimmicks, giving me excuses like he wants to stay home and relax etc... Crap. All those were crap.
i feel like im in a scene from a sappy flick about love and betrayal. they went to great lengths just to hide everything from me. i didn't even suspect them. although i had doubts a while back but he quickly erased them by reassuring me that nothing was going on, that i had to just trust him. yeah, right. what a lot of BS. everything i know is crap.

this song says it all

Hurting Inside
by U-Turn

There are moments
That I feel I just can't go on
Wishing that you were here
Oh how I wish
You holding me close to you
Whispering those words I love you (I love you)

REFRAIN:
But baby you're not there
Like you were before
No words of love to hear
Can't smile anymore
Is it finally over
I can't wait any longer
Do you ever think of me
Coz baby can't you see

CHORUS:
That I'm hurting inside
All the tears I can't hide
Life is never easy without you baby
I want you to know that I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside (I can't mend it)
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside, inside..

Empty moments
They just fill every part of me
Since you've been away from me
Give me a chance to say how much I care
Hold me close to you and let me through. let me through..

listen to this song while drinking beer

I'll Be Over You
by Toto

Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by

There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why

Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same

Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you

best song to cry to

One Last Cry
by Brian Mcknight

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...